Martha and Her Hormones Run Wild

It is so difficult, especially in the midst of unpredicatable pregnancy hormone surges, to not just react to circumstances. But hormones aside, with the ups and downs of a day, I am still amazed sometimes by how I can be so affected by external incidents. This week I've been reading in my Bible and devotional about Mary and Martha of Bethseda, and mostly feeling so happy for having frequent quiet times that I was identifying mostly with Mary - choosing the better portion of sitting at Jesus' feet. But today was a Martha day for sure....distracted by many things....

The day started well as we dropped Adam off at Sunday school and for the first time he did not cry! It made me so happy to see him want to get down out of my arms as soon as we walked in the room, and Jenny (a marvelous woman who is regularly caring for the toddlers during the early service) is so warm and welcoming that Adam feels very comfortable with her. Plus, Dorothy Corley was already there, which made Adam all the happier!

After lunch and a nap, we made ready for our Grand Outing of the day: Oak Glen with our Japanese student, Yuko, and her two friends. Yuko walked in to get her two friends, and when they and the other host mother walked out to say hi to Adam, he began to bawl in fear. He had met them all at our house the previous day, but unfortunately one of them had scared him by playfully jumping out and saying "Boo!" We were literally there in the driveway for over 30 minutes, and despite various efforts (you name it, I probably tried it!), Adam refused to be consoled with them all seated in the car and me in the driver's seat.

I felt so badly (ashamed and embarassed) that this host family was having to change their plans, that we'd let down the students, and that Adam was so miserable (Adam has never reacted to people this way) - but obviously this plan was not going to work. So the other host mother ended up taking them shopping; I took Adam to the public library and the park. This, I admit, was rather nice for me to have the day alone with Adam, so my spirits rose a bit - but I didn't pause to acknowledge how I was feeling overall).

I had $8 of fines on my library card (totally our fault, but not a happy surprise). I dealt with the library fine news with perfect outward calm and cheer: "Ah, well, at least the money supports the library!" "That's the spirit!" said the librarian. It might sound silly that I was bummed about the fine, but each dollar really matters to us these days. But then, Adam and I had a great time reading and playing - so it was a worthwile trip for sure.

However, at our visit to the park, my calm and cheerful exterior blew a fuse: a couple of grownups were throwing a football next to the play equipment and the football went awry and I had to swat it away from Adam. I'd had it. "Could you throw that it the other direction, please?" I asked the guy. "It's okay," he said, brushing me off. I then said in a harsher tone (very possibly with hormonal laser beams shooting out of my eyes) "No, it's not okay. I am pregnant, and he is very little. We just can't move that fast to get out of the way." "Okay, okay!" he said, and moved away. We went home.

When I just read the above to Dave, he said that the day didn't sound too bad, actually! And really, what we did was enjoyable. Church, the park, and the library all made for a good day. But here are the main points of it for me (yes, yes, another list, but a short one!):

1. I realize that when I am acting outwardly differently from how I am feeling on the inside, there is a schism of self. The event looks okay on the outside, but for whatever reason, I need to pause to bring my feelings to Jesus and help me focus on him. I think we women are very good at keeping up outward appearances in general, but as Christians, I think, we excel. We are so good at keeping an agreeable exterior (or at least we think we are - probably not fooling people all the time, really!). And I'm not saying here that I should have worn all my emotions on my sleeve in front of the students or the librarian...but I could have paused to pray, which I now realize was the only tactic I didn't try when Adam was crying! Or I could have refrained from a falsely cheerful comment and just paid the fine.

2. I get angry when people brush me off and ignore the safety of children. This is a valid point. But I think my anger was out of proportion to the offense, having not dealt with my previous frustrations. I see now that I could have allowed Adam to play by himself with the Legos in the library while I journalled (I actually had my journal in my purse) or just took a moment to pray through the events of the morning.

As a mom, I often identify with Martha, but Jesus is helping me to at least be more aware of these Martha days; I hope that I will change to be more like Mary in a deeper, more consistent way! I'm so glad that he speaks to Martha gently while she is so distracted, and that we see later in the Bible that she understood and did, in fact, change!

As we sang in church today, "Lord, my cup is empty...won't you come now and fill me up..."
Come, Lord Jesus! I am so glad you receive me just as I am!