Power

I write this to remind myself, but also others, that we have more freedom than we sometimes realize. I'd love to hear your thoughts/stories about finding your power.

The summer of 2002, I was riding alone on a train to Bern, Switzerland, on a mission to replace a lost passport. I was just recently engaged at the age of 28, in a job I loved but in a highly chaotic and tense atmosphere. I had just finished a graduate level English course on Postmodern Literature to try to figure out if I wanted to go back for a graduate degree in English. I sat on the train finishing Mrs. Dalloway, when a light came on in my heart, my head, and my soul all at once. The book Mrs. Dalloway is about many things, but what stood out to me at that moment was how her day, her life, was a series of choices - but from what I remember, she didn't seem to be realizing that or owning that. It suddenly came upon me like a wave that I had the power to choose. Maybe this sounds obvious, but as someone who had grown up trying so hard to please people and do the right thing, I didn't really truly know I had this power. The power to choose how I react in thought, emotion, or action. The power to choose how I will proceed. The power to say that I need time to think things over. The power to say no, or to say yes. No matter what the circumstance, this was still my power.

Cancer, on the other hand, threw me for a loop. Even though my primary physician recommended I not get chemo, having to undergo the surgery and various medical tests was very hard for me. I struggled. I felt powerless. But even in the midst of that, the truth was that I still had/have power. Power to ask questions. Power to cry. Power to decide to not get chemo. Power to explicitly tell people that I didn't want to hear the story of someone they knew who got chemo when she had a different kind/stage of cancer and why they thought I should get it. Power to ask for prayer.

And also, I have the power to run. I began to run again in November of 2008, four months after my surgery. I worked back up to a mile. The most I had ever done was a 10K, and that was before my second pregnancy (I started running to have a healthier pregnancy with my first, back in 2004. I literally could not run a block at first). Back to the story: after a couple of weeks I ran up what I now call my "Cancer Hill," and after a good long shout of victory at the top, I ran back down, weeping and shouting out my gratitude to God for saving my life. I have the power to celebrate, too.I share all this because I hope reading this story gives someone a renewed sense of their own power, that no matter where we are or how boxed-in we feel...we do have power. and choice. And I know that if I can run - you can, too.